Read this before exploring BDSM…

Read this before exploring BDSM…

You want to spice up our sex life, and the Fifty Shades way seems like a novel way to do that.  Why not play around with erotically charged fun that includes fear and domination and then go back to warm lovemaking?  Your body can adapt and get turned on by either act of sexual expression, right?

Brain science tells a different story: the choice to vacillate between tender, loving sex and domineering, aggressive sex may not be a choice we get to make over time.  Your brain gets rewired based on what your body repeatedly experiences.

Here’s what’s important to know:

  • Your mind and body are not separate.  The mind-body connection is well documented in psychological research. There is an inseparable connection between the mind and body.
  • Your body holds memories. Your mind cannot simply control your body and make sex mean something different each time.  You may want to switch between distant/unemotional sex and warm, loving sex at will, however, when you continually link sex with fear, your body holds that memory.
  • Neurons that fire together wire. Over time your brain rewires to link sexual arousal with fear and domination.   This means that over time you may need rough play to get turned on, warm, loving sex may not do it for you any longer.

Knowing that the link between sex and fear can become fused in your brain and behavior gives you a choice.  You have the choice whether this is the experience you want to reinforce. If love, security, attachment, and commitment are essential experiences for you, it is worth considering whether this type of sexual play moves you closer to those feelings or further away.  Science gives us answers that are definitive and not gray at all.  It is black and white; you are shaping your brain by the sexual play you engage in. The repeated experiences can become less of a choice and more of an automatic habit.

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